Ever feel non-confident in a new game? Ever feel like everyone thinks you're a huge noob? Then look no further. With this guide everyone will be at your feet begging to play with you because you are such an awesome player. They wish to bask in the glory that is your pro-ness.
1) Blame others
It is never your fault! This is the most important rule! If you are playing a team game and you're getting your ass handed to you, blame your teammates. They obviously are sucking so bad they can't be bothered to help you. Why do you have to carry the whole team by yourself? Such nooblords need to be cussed out. Remember when blaming your team to talk in all chat so the enemy will know that it is their fault and not yours. If your team bitches back at you claim how great you are in other games and it is only this game that you are doing badly so its obviously them. This will shut them up because they can't comprehend the greatness that is your skill. You are always the best player on your team.
2) Playing on a handicap
You are always playing on a handicap. The character, race, hero, gun, anything you picked is automatically always underpowered. Whoever beats you is obviously overpowered. If you do beat them though, make sure you rub it in their face that they are a noob. Anyone who loses to you is a noob because you have such a great handicap. If they claim that your shit isn't underpowered just drown out everything they say with repeated attacks on their sexuality. They are obviously faggots because they suck at a video game. If they were good they'd automatically be straight but of course not as good as you because you are the pinnacle of straightness. Since you are so skilled if they ask for a rematch just say no because you'll own them again. Its better to let them walk away knowing they might have had a chance than to get creamed again by you. You are such a considerate awesome 1337 gamer.
3) Lag
You are always lagging. The game admins are obviously cheating or the game is working against you to stop you from winning. When you miss the guy and he shoots you to death then it was lag. You obviously were aiming at him how would it have missed? Be sure to yell at them saying they were lucky you were lagging. Because how else would they have known? They might possibly have thought you actually missed and was a noob! If they say your ping is better than theirs claim that they are hacking. Say they're using speed hack or aim hack. If you get banned its obviously because you caught onto their scheme of owning oblivious players. You are so talented aren't you.
4) Advice sucks
Why are you taking advice from noobs? If someone tells you that its impossible to do something then call them a faglord and that you've done it 20 times before and you were doing it before he even knew what this shit was. If everyone still claims that you can't tank a heroic dungeon as a mage then say you'll show them. If the group dies its their fault. Obviously they are so shitty they can't keep you up. Make sure you bitch about them on world chat before leaving your party and continue doing this for the next 20 minutes. You are always right. If you're losing to someone and they're telling you mass zealots is weak against mass mutalisks refer to rule number 2. Obviously mutalisks are overpowered. Why would the enemy be giving me advice! He's obviously trying to trick me. Call him a fag a few times then call him a noob hacker. You are so smart no one can pull a quick one on you.
5) Don't help your team
If you're playing a team game and your team asks for assistance. Lash out at them. Tell them to shut the fuck up then throw in a few nooblords and faglords for good measure. Why do you have to stop what you are doing to help them? You are the team not them. They can go fuck themselves. They only exist to remind you how bad all the other players are in this game. Those guys might try to pull a number 1 on you. Don't be fooled. They're only pretending to be pro. Make sure you call them out so that the other team can hear you. If you do miraculously win with a team of noobshits make sure you cuss out the enemy team and say how badly they are doing. If they or your teammates point out that you are the weakest member on your team then say you single handedly carried a bunch of noobs to victory. Your time is so precious you can't be bothered with noobs, even if they are on your team.
6) E-Peen > All
When your team is missing something crucial don't pick it. Always pick the job that scores you the most kills or highest points. Because why bother playing with others if you can't wave your colossus E-Peen in front of their face? Always be nearby to take the credit for everything. If someone is fighting come up from behind and shoot them in the head taking their kill. If your team bitches at you for kill stealing call them a noob because your score is better than theirs and they are obviously a shitty player. If you are getting owned by more than one person make sure you tell them enemy that you are so good they need their whole team to beat you. If they remind you its a team game, call them out for a 1 on 1. If they don't come call them a pussy. Keep waiting at that spot all game even if your team is telling you to help on a objective. No they are coming. If you leave now they'll think you're some kind of pansy fag. If they claim they are a support hero and you are a carry then say they're scared. Your pro-ness makes the noobs leave the game in shame.
7) Bitch at the game company
When something is not your liking make sure you go on the forums and bitch about it. Make multiple posts to nerf this or that because they beat you. They are obviously so overpowered they can own a pro like you. Also to improve the game for the better make sure you bitch about how shitty the game is and how you are going to quit if they don't do this and that. Then proceed to tell everyone that you are quitting and posting info about a new game you wish to join. Come back every hour to check on your post to reply to the flamers. A few words of shut the fuck up noob or suck more (insert game company) cock faggots will make them stop. What is the point of quitting if no one knows you are quitting? The game will miss your presence and all the noobs can finally enjoy the game once you leave because you aren't there to own their sorry asses. If you don't quit the game or come back to the game, make sure you make a new post saying how the game didn't bother to fix anything and they are the worst company ever for being so slow on updates. You were able to play a new game own those noobs and come back. In that time the company should've realized their mistake and changed the game so you can enjoy it. Because why make a game if there are no super pros playing it right? For the noobs? Psh yeah right. Who fucking cares about noobs. You are the center of the universe and everything revolves around you.
8) If you can't beat it the game sucks
If you're playing a game and you're getting your ass handed to you by the AI go on their game forums and bitch about how stupid the game is. If someone tries to teach you how to do it then refer to number 4. Join in on discussions about the game and insert remarks about how bad the game is. If people tell you to shut up tell them anyone who likes this game is gay since you don't like it. Then go on every website that has a review of that game and post how badly this game is and flame everyone who says its a good game. Who else going to stop the world from being filled with noob faglords? If people are having a hard time on something make sure you tell them how easy it was for you and how they are a nooblord even if you never got that far. If they say you are talking out of your ass tell them you beat the game like 10 times already even if the game came out for only a day. You are so good you can finish the game 10 times in the time those noobs finish once.
9) Get a witty name
Your name is your persona. Why create an original gay name that fits the game? When you make a name like NoobKilla or GanstaStabz then they'll know not to mess with you because you'll own their ass. If they name is taken then make sure you add a lot of x's to the name or mispell the name like XxxxXxSephirothxXxxxX. All pros think alike so adding more x's will show how pro your name is. If you're not witty enough to think of the name first then make sure you mispell it or use ascii letters so it looks like the name but it isn't and no one can whisper you because its impossible to tell if that is an l or an i or alt+141. If someone calls you a 12 year old for having that name then make sure you tell them how successful you are at life and how you have a supermodel girlfriend that fucks you every night and you make millions of dollars a year. Then proceed to call them a fag because not being successful in life means you're a homosexual.
10) Play with pros only
Get a group of friends, most likely ones that share your wit like in number 9. Proceed to join games as a group and start doing whatever the shit you want. Then start calling the "pub" that you are with a noob. Everyone should abuse that guy because he's not a part of your circle. If something drops that you want have all your friends roll on it so if you don't get it at least your friends will get it. If they complain threaten to kick them out of the group if you are the admin or leader which you should always be. Pros get priority over noobs. Make sure you crack jokes and have your friends back you up. Start spewing bullshit until you get a reply and then have everyone flame them at once. If your friends suck and die make sure you call them a noob and find a new group of friends. If no one wants to be your friend its because they're jealous of your pro skills.
11) Get girls to secure masculinity
Make a big deal when you see a girl gamer even though they are pretty common. Make sure you keep harassing them and following them around wherever they go. Because how else can you prove your straightness without a online girlfriend! Give them free items to make sure they know you are an awesome rich 1337 guy. Then proceed to go into a flying rage when they don't like you or already have a boyfriend. Make sure you keep harassing them and calling them sluts for not realizing your greatness. If you are a girl gamer you have a get out of jail free card that never expires. Make sure you keep throwing out that you're a girl out there. When you make a mistake go "teehee I don't know any better I'm a girl." The guys will all forgive you but if you're with another girl and she tells you to fuck off make sure to put that bitch down by amassing the 12 year old horny boys against her and getting her tossed out. This also needs to be done on any fags that are immune to your sly charms. You are the most popular person in the game and your army of 12 year old slaves prove it.
12) Don't tell people you are leaving
When you gotta go you gotta go. Fuck your team they're a bunch of noobs anyways. When you gotta go take a shit or jerk off to porn or take a shit while jerking off to porn. Don't tell your team. Who are they your mom? They don't need to know everything you do. If they see you standing around doing nothing they should know you aren't there and shouldn't proceed with the objective. Assuming someone is there behind the computer the whole time is stupid. Who the fuck has time to waste. I got shit to do or shit to shit to be precise. If I gotta leave for school or work then fuck that shit I leave the game and ditch the rest. I don't give a fuck if I only have 10 minutes to play and the objective takes an half hour. Who the fuck has that time. They should be looking around making sure you're there before doing anything. Your time is more valuable than theirs so tell them to fuck off.
13) Rage quit
When you are with a team of losers and they are making you lose then rage quit on them. Make sure you announce in all chat so the enemy team can hear you rage at your team then proceed to purposely feed or AFK. This would hide the fact that your stats are so bad because your team sucked so badly. Also don't really go AFK. Keep coming back every few minutes to remind everyone how badly the game is going and call them nooblords. If the enemy calls you a noob then blame your team. You wouldn't have forgotten rule 1 would you? If they keep insisting you suck then call them faggots. Attacking their sexual orientation will totally throw them off guard. If they still won't shut up then just leave the game. But remember if you can rejoin, do it 5 minutes afterwards then yell at them some more before going AFK. The game just isn't the same without your presence in it.
With these simple rules, you'll be the best player ever. Remember games are made for your enjoyment not the enjoyment of others. If someone tells you otherwise tell them you paid for your game and that you play however the fuck you want to. You are the best player anyways so he should shut the fuck up and learn from you instead.
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