Blade Kitten - I told you so

Well most games I play people tell me is good so I get my hopes up and play it and it turns out shitty. Well this game is pretty shitty and people say its shitty and I played it expecting to be shitty and it turned out shitty. Should I feel disappointed that it was shitty or should I have expected it to be this shitty. Well, its shitty so there's no point in arguing if it was as shitty as I thought it would be. What is Blade Kitten? The name itself would tell you it has something to do with cats and probably a blade, so we can come to the conclusion that it might be something like a cat cutting simulator or some cat getting revenge on people tossing cats into bins and shit and going around beheading people. If you thought those then you'd be mighty disappointed. Its a game based on a web comic. What the fuck? I didn't know that when I started.

I don't read web comics, I don't read Blade Kitten, but from what the game tells me you're playing as Kit Ballard some pink cat girl who goes around chopping people with a blade. The game doesn't tell you much. Characters come and go with lame jokes and lame dialogue. Its kinda like a web comic I suppose. I saw the game as a 2.5D side scrolling platformer game and I immediately wanted to play it since I was craving side scrolling platformers. The blade flies around near you and you can use it as a boomerang which costs stamina or just swing your sword around for a melee attack which doesn't cost any. So your typical enemies are dumb red soldiers called the Sollers who shoots laser or run at you with swords swinging. You get occasional dinosaurs and robots and stuff but the majority are the Sollers. They don't get upgrades or anything so the game is incredibly easy. There's a shop where you can buy stuff from money you found throughout the stages. What I find weird is there are four different blades. The one you start with and three others that you can buy. So on the second stage you just buy the best blade and you go around one shotting everything through the game. I don't see a reason to buy any other blade but I bought it anyways since they're cheap.

Think of the game as a tree branch. There's only one finger that reaches the end of the branch and a million that doesn't. This is what the game is like. You have a straight linear path and a billion dead ends with secrets that you get treasure boxes from. Whats treasure boxes for? Well you get money, and you also get completion %. If you collect every single treasure box and other shit like that you get to unlock a special costume. Yeah you can also buy costumes like the flying cat suit, pajamas, dresses, goth dresses, etc etc. You're a cat girl so you are super agile you can jump across stuff, climb up walls, do backflips. You're pretty agile which is fun, but the controls are shitty so you're always flying or having seizures all over the place. I even had a bug where I dash leaped and I missed my landing and went through a wall then started flying around through the sky and towards the end of the stage. I skipped half the content of the level and it was buggy as hell.

The story itself is confusing, makes no sense and you meet people that disappear and come back and you're going "who the fuck is this again?" So shit happens and then you go around chopping people and you're not even given any background or anything. You go "Oh the magasse sisters? I hope they're not still mad at what happened" WHAT HAPPENED? I shouldn't even be complaining since its obviously made for people who read the web comic or wants to read the web comic but no I'm not one of those. Instead I wander around confused and then the game ends suddenly, "continued in part 2" WHAT THE HELL!? THERE'S A PART 2 FOR THIS SHIT?

I am already haunted by the constant "I TOLD YOU SO!" I had enough of the shitty controls, annoying characters, lame dialogue, and dumb jokes. Like "This is is fishier than tentacle pr0n!"The fuck! Who uses Pr0n? Game sucks.