Jeanne d'Arc - An Anime Butchering

For some reason this game was getting a lot of praise. People really liked it and considered it a really good Tactical TBS RPG with a decent storyline. Well those people lied because none of it was true. The game is loosely based off of the story of Joan of Arc. And by loosely I mean the only thing in common with the story is their names. For those not familiar with the Joan of Arc, basically you are playing the game as Jeanne who finds a bag off a dead guy in the forest and inside it was a magical bracelet that told her to fight the English and when demons started attacking the town she put it on the bracelet then transforms into a magical shining warrior with magical armor and killed off the demons. It turns out the demons are being controlled by the English and you must save France by killing all the English/Demons. What? That doesn't sound like Joan of Arc? That's too bad I did try to warn you. However I really wanted to give this game a shot because it was made by Level-5, the creators of the Dark Cloud and Rogue Galaxy series and the more recent Ni No Kuni.

This game has a lot of cutscenes. If that is your thing then you probably wouldn't be bothered with it, but having to sit through long boring cutscenes isn't my idea of fun. If I wanted to watch a movie then I'd watch a fucking movie. The thing is, if the cutscenes were actually interesting then I wouldn't be bothered with it but when its like five minutes of scenery then finally a guy appears who fucking looks like a Disney villain, but everyone is oblivious. Like the first person you see has a pale ghoulish white face, wearing a giant black pointy horned hood, with black robes and long bony fingers with long painted fingernails and talk in the most asshole way. You know this guy is evil. He wants to save the king and then does some evil magical ritual that takes like another 5 minutes to set up. Then all of a fucking sudden from nowhere an old guy pops up and starts attacking evilwizardman with a sword and then gets his ass kicked in less than a second. Then the cutscene is over and you move over to Jeanne in a town wandering around then suddenly evil demons attack. Oh god this shit won't stop. Long story short, the cutscenes are boring, the voice acting is bearable at best, and the story is just ridiculous.

Combat itself is simple, like any Tactical RPG really. Attacking enemy from the sides or behind deals more damage, attacking with an element its weak against will hit harder, etc etc. Only problem I find is that stuff hits really hard and you die often and your characters outside of a few do almost minimal damage. So the strong get stronger and the weak remain useless. Well you only need a few good people to win battles anyways. Every battle has a time limit. EVERY SINGLE BATTLE. You have to finish the objective in say 18 turns or you lose. So you're always rushing. Beat the big boss guy, get to the exit on the other side of the bridge, survive for 18 turns, etc etc. This basically forces you to charge stupidly into battle just to get there faster rather than setting up. Fighting bosses basically has you sacrificing your weaker members to stall for time on the other enemies while your strongest ones goes over to beat up the boss before the timer runs out. Ones where you need to reach the other side? Yeah fuck that just run you don't have time to stop and kill. If you do you lose the game anyways so keep running and a few will die but eventually you'll get there.

Outside of combat there is basically nothing to do. You can walk around the world map like Final Fantasy Tactics. Revisit old areas where you fought and it either becomes a town or a field. You can grind exp or buy items. There are no classes and everyone can only use one weapon they started off with. Jeanne can transform into a magical warrior once every battle for a limited amount of time and is stupidly overpowered. The only way to win is to have her transform then run across the map killing half the enemies all by herself then have the rest of the party move in to clean up. Later on you're supposed to meet more magical bracelet wearers but I've only gotten one other guy and he looks evil already. Evil mascara and talks like an asshole, I'm 99% sure he's going to betray me at some point.

Its not the most horrifying game ever. The combat is pretty boring yet very annoying because of the turn limit. This coming from someone who actually was ok with the dumb combat of Rhapsody. But that game has charm this game has nothing. You can't possibly like any of the characters. Everyone is either really mopey, a giant jerk, or just plain useless. I hate Jeanne. And I hate Jeanne d'Arc. The storyline is the weakest part of the game. It makes absolutely zero sense. You randomly show up at a war camp and tells everyone to attack the English and the generals are like fuck off little girl go home. Then some asshole evil mascara dude starts talking in his boring monotone evilguy voice and tells everyone to attack and they do and then you charge in and kill everyone and then you're like they'll listen to me! Then you got an arrow into the chest. The generals don't give a shit about you and your friends are "worried" about you now because you're all hurt and shit. Then the other guy gets some like some evil magical powers and cures you with some black mist and he falls sick because he's evil or something. I need to stop trying to make sense of this game. Basically, don't play it.