Portal 2 - I like it when you hurt me

I have to say this game isn't bad. I liked it. While I enjoyed it, there was something missing. Portal is a side project for Half-Life. It was popular enough to get its own sequel. I always wondered why Portal was this popular? Most people say its the portal gun with its unique and fun puzzles while others say GLaDOS with her black humor and sarcasm that made the game. I found the first one ok. It didn't stand out that much while I thought GLaDOS was amazingly well done she wasn't that memorable because of how short the game was. When Portal 2 was announced I was skeptical. Though I never played the first of the series when I heard about it, I knew what the game was about. How could they possibly expand on the game?

When I first started Portal 2, I was surprised by another character, Wheatly. He's entertaining enough but he's no GLaDOS. Have no fear though, after awhile you meet up with your nemesis GLaDOS and start doing the puzzles again. I have to say I was disappointed. I'm glad people kept telling me to continue playing or I would've just stopped after the first few stages. It starts off slow, very slow. The puzzles are stupidly easy and doesn't give any sort of challenge at all. I suppose it was because I played Portal 1 about a week before Portal 2 came out. I found puzzles to be more challenging in the first game than in the sequel. Like someone said, once you add more elements to the game it becomes easier because there is only one specific easy to see way to get past. While I like puzzle games, the puzzles in Portal 2 didn't entertain me that much.

The biggest reason I liked the game was the quirkyness of it all. You have a psychopathic AI(I don't think AI's have empathy so it would probably apply to all AI) out to kill you who wants to test you in the name of science all while spouting off insults and sarcastic remarks. I love GLaDOS, she may be one of my favorite video game characters. I guess I have a thing for abuse or people trying to kill you but say what you want GLaDOS is as likable as she is entertaining. There has been some debate about her amongst feminists but I won't get into that but I'll leave a quote here.

He added that Chell and GLaDOS serve as opposing sides of femininity; where Chell is "dutiful and does every task assigned of her", GLaDOS is "aggressive and seemingly dangerous to the order of a male-dominated society". He also described Chell as a "domestic icon" while he described GLaDOS as a "progressive, intelligent working woman" and that by killing her, "Chell can be seen as the dutiful “safe” woman conquering the “dangerous” feminist"

Its funny though, the more abusive she becomes the more people like her. Or that goes for me at least.

Halfway though the game you find out more about the real story. Like the first one it starts after the tests "end." I liked these parts way more than the standard tests. I felt like the standard tests were "filler content" while these free puzzles to be more entertaining. The constant fear of the unknown and/or death was what the puzzle rooms were severely lacking. You start finding about how Aperature Science came to be and more backstory to GLaDOS. She becomes more and more uh, human? While at the same time you are introduced to two new characters, Cave Johnson and Caroline.

But as quickly as it started, it ended. The game itself is short and the free puzzle sections were even shorter. The atmosphere and ambience of the place itself is amazingly well done. It actually feels like its in terrible shape with broken rails and overgrowth everywhere. But the puzzle rooms are all perfectly constructed. I suppose its because GLaDOS puts testing people in puzzle rooms above the welfare of the laboratory. I like the ability to explore and wander around there but to annoy you more you have to do more puzzle rooms again after you get back to Wheatly after the free puzzles.

Overall its fun but I felt it lacked a lot of meat on the bones. Its a good game I wouldn't argue against that but if there were just a bit more content outside the puzzle rooms I would be more content. I don't know why it has this much praise. Maybe it was because everyone telling me its the best thing since sliced bread that I would be a little disappointed after playing it. Too much hype can do this to a game I suppose.

Titan Quest - An endurance test on your sanity

First off I want to say my index finger is fucking sore right now and if I can avoid typing this shit out I would but the world must know of this piece of shit called Titan Quest. First of all its a Diablo clone. It would mean that you go around left clicking everything until it dies. While Diablo has a simple game play design, every single clone I met seem to fuck it up. Titan Quest over complicates things for the sake of over complicating.

There are huge trees you can pick skills from and mix and match with two trees into different classes. Each character can pick two trees and learn skills from either. But most of the skills are filler talents or garbage. So the best ones are the passives which effectively boils down to holding your left mouse button as its the most effective and the only way to get through the game. Your right mouse button will be hot keyed with the potion button for simplicity's sake. These skills do nothing to help you in your battle, so all you need is your mouse. Fuck the keyboard it does crap.

The difficulty is horrendous. I don't mind games with a challenge but if the challenge and difficulty of this game is how fast you can click your potion button then its a piece of shit. Whenever you go into town just go ahead and buy 300-600 potions. You will be hitting your right mouse button every 5 seconds or whatever amount of time the potions cools off. You'll burn through those potions in 20 minutes. Some monsters are so weak they do literally no damage then suddenly you meet a monster that can do 50% of your health in one shot and they come in packs. If you miss the potion by just one second you will die. Then you get asshole monsters that stun you for 1-2 seconds and if they stun you right when its time to hit your potion you die. This is Titan Quest.

The game started out fine, but as it progressed it just dragged on and on. What you seen in the first act is basically the same as the rest. The map is never randomized so every time you come back its exactly the same. This holds true for the multi player as well. Why no randomization? Too much work? The maps are long, tedious, and boring. Every map looks exactly the same. Some trees a large area with one exit and 2-3 minor caves you can explore for nothing. Quests are mindless and easily missed. As you reach further and further it gets more and more stupid. Once you reach act three you'll notice all the monsters moving at super speed and doing half your health in a single shot. Once you reach the final act the difficulty ramps up to asshole levels. Everything stuns you and you're standing there stun locked for five and up to ten seconds at a time. Its fucking frustrating to stand around doing nothing. If I wasn't on co-op I would be dead the second I got stunned.

Multi player in this game is shit as well. You go online with your single player character so if you want to be an asshole you can just hack all your gear. The problem with this game is the areas are so far apart theres basically no way to play with others unless they start at the same time as you. Going through one area for a minor part of the main quest would take thirty minutes to an hour. The way point portals are so far apart that if you're looking to group up for a quest its going to eat half your day. And the most grating part is chatting. HOW HARD IS IT TO DESIGN A FUCKING CHATBOX. To type you press T to bring up the chatbox. You type then press enter to send the message. When you hit enter the chatbox grays out so you can close it again by pressing T. If you want to talk more you press enter again. BUT if your trying to use skills or close it and it keeps trying to type out 1111111tttttttttttt11ttttt1t1t1t1t11t22ttt in your chatbox. Just to add salt to the wound you can't hold down backspace to clear it so you have to hit backspace 50x or just go fuck it and send it out because whose going to fucking break their fingers more.

The game started out fine, but its way too repetitive. As soon as you're done the four acts. You get to repeat the game in nightmare and hell mode. But they're called different names. Are you so fucking lazy to resort to redoing the game in another difficulty? And the game isn't difficult. I don't find clicking potion buttons over and over difficult. I find it tedious and stupid. Going through the game once is an ordeal already. The maps are too big, the way points are too far apart, the side quests are impossible to find, there are too many pointless monsters while traveling, and scenery are exactly the same. These things make the game longer than it should be. Only thing decent I can say about the game is the BGM is nicely done. But the BGM doesn't really appear that often only whenever the fuck it wants to. Theres are options to "decrease the rate it appears," "normal," and "increase the rate it appears." What the fuck? Why so ambiguous? Why can't we just have ON and OFF. Seems like the easiest options but whatever. Its not like you'll hear it over the grunting sounds of dying tigermen or mantises. Isn't the game about mythology? Why are the monster designs so bad. And why the difficulty inconsistencies on these monsters.

Of all the Diablo clones, this one is not the worst. But anything can be better than Torchlight so its not saying much. My fingers are still hurting and I'm done talking about this shit.

Dota-likes

Dota type games are referred to usually as MOBA or ARTS. MOBA stands for multiplayer online battle arena while ARTS stands for action real time strategy. Both means the same thing, Dota clones. No one is sure how it got so popular or why the worst self-entitled degenerates of society congregate to these types of games and ruin the community into a seething pile of rancid shit. But every game has these people you will say. No, the amount of assholes in these type of games are legendary.

Everyone thinks they're better than the others and every time something goes wrong its their fault. Why? Thats like playing basketball and when you miss a shot your team starts yelling at you for letting the other team get the ball. Then they go on and on for 50 fucking minutes about how the game was lost because you missed that ball and that you should drown in the fucking ocean for sucking so badly at a harmless game of basket ball and how he is going to quit and never play with you again because you are the worst type of scum for missing a fucking ball in the fucking basket. Does that even fucking make sense? Why do people act this way in Dota-likes?

Then there are the so called "trolls" who find it funny to ruin the game for your team. How about people who call out a role and then proceed to bitch and moan when he doesn't get it? Or thinks its funny to keep suiciding and calling out your locations in all chat? Lets go back to basketball again. Imagine a guy on your team keeps calling for you to pass the ball to him and you can't because he's being blocked to shit. He then gets mad and goes "what the fuck man if you're not going to pass me the ball I'm going to ruin the game," then proceeds to taking the ball from your team, checking your own team, and giving the ball to the other team and or throwing the ball into your own basket. Is that fun for either team? No? Yeah you'll get thrown off the court. Not here you don't. They just join another game and repeat it until they log off and come back the next day.

If you play Dota-likes this will happen. I don't know why its so concentrated in these games. Is it because its free? Is it because its a team game and you can't pick your own teams? Has it always been there for every game but you just can't see it? Why do people even play this? Its like the abusive boyfriend you keep crawling back to. He doesn't give a shit because he knows you'll keep coming back. You know he's an asshole but you just can't help yourself. Why are these games so popular?

I am never touching another F2P and Dota-like game again.

Muramasa: The Demon Blade Part 1 - Food porn and hot springs galore

Muramasa is a Vanillaware game. Its not bad, the combat is fun but like all Vanillaware games there are huge flaws. The first and biggest flaw is that there is basically no story. You start in the middle of nowhere where stuff has already happened and theres no conclusion at all. This game is similar to Odin Sphere but the combat is greatly improved. The story however is much weaker. There are two characters you can play as, Momohime or Kisuke, and it takes place in the feudal Japan era. It has so much potential but they blew it.

Like other Vanillaware games, the graphics are great. Since this one is on the Wii its much better than the PS2 titles. Character designs are decently done, some are a little stupid like Momohime is basically running around with no pants and the fox girl Kongiku on Momohime's path has breasts almost bursting out of her clothes. The background is nicely done but there is a minor flaw. Sometimes you can't tell what is in the background and what is in the foreground. Sometimes you're not really sure what you can step on and what you can't. For a platforming game this can be annoying. But the maps almost all use the same background for laziness so once you see it once you won't get that problem again.

Combat is amazingly fun. Its fluid and its fast paced. Its a side scrolling brawler with a variety of combos and special skills based on the sword you picked. There is a normal blade which is fast and the combos are usually fast mini hits. The long blade is slower but it does multiple mini hits in a single swing. The long blade has a bug however that I abused a bit. If you jump in the air and use a long sword combo you have this gravitational pull when you hit something that pulls them towards you even if the enemy is in the air behind you. When you do this they cannot perform any action and with a long blade you can chain about 4-5 combos in the air before you finally reach the ground. Doing so on enemies that can leap in the air can combo upwards to 200-300 hits and kill them before you reach the ground.

However fun the combat is the difficulty is incredibly easy. Most monsters you can just spam your A button and kill them all. Monster lairs and Bosses provide a bit of a challenge but they are not that difficult either. When you first start a game it it lets you pick between two difficulties, Muso for people who suck horribly at gaming, or Shura the normal mode for average players. Once you beat either story once on Shura mode Shigurui mode is enabled. HOWEVER! You must start a brand new game instead of starting on new game+ which is continuing your story with the second character. The game lets you play either character at either time. You can play them both at once or finish one first. It is entirely up to you. Note that both characters can use swords unlocked by either character so its beneficial to play both at once. You may not have the amount of souls needed though. This game also pulls the same bullshit as other Vanillaware games though. To get the second ending of either character you must first complete both character's first ending and equip a secret sword you get after getting both of the first endings then beating the respective final bosses. To get the true ending you must equip the secret sword after getting both secondary endings then beating the respective final bosses. A pain in the fucking ass.

The characters are entertaining and you really want to get to know them a bit better but it never really expands on it. Momohime's route you're a princess whose spirit was forced out of her own body by a criminal called Junkuro. Who is he? What is he trying to acomplish? Nothing really is explained. All you know is he knows the Obouro style sword fighting. To keep it for himself he killed his master and all the other disciples. He's a badass who takes no shit from no one and travels to hell and heaven to get a sword back. Along the way you hear Momohime whine at every possible stop about how evil he is being. You get a few sentences of what happened such as Momohime's family being killed and overthrown, some guy who appears for like 2 minutes and gets his ass kicked by Junkuro, random monk who tries so hard to punish Junkuro and then gets a epiphany at the end of the game and turns "good" and travels around the land with Momohime following him because of Junkuro's fucking sacrifice to save Momohime.

The story is short. I finished Momohime's route in a little over 6 hours. Thats pathetically short especially with me dicking around in monster lairs, hot springs, and engaging in food porn every chance I got. I also left the game on for long periods of time while I did other shit. Theres more hidden content after you beat both stories but still. Another thing in this game is the hot springs. How fucking common are hot springs in Japan? Every 10 maps you see a new hot spring and even after beating a boss you all get into the hot spring together. You see a barely naked Momohime walking around. She looks like shes 12 for fucks sake. Its a free heal and sometimes you get to talk to people. Then theres the food porn. You can go into restaurants and order food and it will be placed on the table in front of you. You have to click A repeatedly to eat the item. It eats it bite by bite and Momohime will keep commenting on how nice the food is, etc etc. Cooking isn't much different. Sometimes I wanna bake a bunch of potatoes for the boss and its taking fucking forever because you have to dig a hole place the potato in the hole and cover it with leaves then set it on fire then pull it out. FOR EACH INDIVIDUAL POTATO. There no auto cook, you have to keep hitting the A button. It was cool seeing it for the first time but seeing it time after time is tedious.

This is it for now.

Greed filled DLCs

What is a DLC? If you played anything in the past decade you would know. DLC stands for Downloadable Content. In other words content that is not included in the main game and you have to pay extra money to get. Doesn't sound too bad does it. Pay a little and you can play more of the game you love. WRONG. DLCs are nothing but an attempt to milk every last drop of money from a game. Whatever happened to paying 60 bucks and getting a full game? Nowadays you pay 60 bucks get half a game with 3 release day DLCs where you have to pay 15 bucks each for if you want all the stuff. Then release a new DLC every 3 months for 15 bucks each that has like 20 minutes of content. Fuck you.

My biggest gripe is how stupidly short and how overpriced these DLC are. DLCs are never worth their money. Never. Every company has adapted DLCs into their marketing strategy. Release a game but purposely leave out content. When the game is shipped include DLCs to preorders and those that didn't preorder because they want to wait for reviews to know if the game is a piece of shit or not have to pay 45 bucks for more DLCs! Why the fuck are there release day DLCs? Why is it not included into the game?

"Oh we wanted to include it but we wanted to ship the game out so the game went gold already and so we decided to charge you 15 bucks for each DLC instead of letting you download it for free! Enjoy dipshits."

I like CD Projekt Red's marketing strategy. No DRM because it hinders paying customers and free DLCs because charging their customers 15 bucks for no content is bullshit. They just recently released another patch that added a brand new mode, balances, and an arena system for The Witcher 2.

Lets take a look at a DLC that I tried. Dragon Age Origins for one. Return to Ostagar. You get a new area on your map. You walk over and you appear in the same Ostagar you were in at the start of the game. Wander around you see the dead king then kill an Ogre and you get the king's armor. Then you leave the area in about 5 minutes. That was the DLC. Was it worth 15 bucks? No. Was it worth 5 bucks? No. Was it worth 1 buck? No. Would it be worth it if it was free? No. This fucking shit isn't even worth the time and bandwith to download. You have got to be the greediest fucking shits to release something like that. There was no effort in it. Thats not the worst part. The worst part is there are a shitload of even more terrible DLCs out there.

To make things worse DLCs are tied to your account so if you were to buy a preowned game then you wouldn't get any of this shit. They want to counteract piracy and resales with DLCs as well as milk more money. This was the reason why so many companies have release day DLCs. Like 60 bucks isn't too much for a piece of shit game already why drive up the price even more. If they could charge 100 bucks for their game they would but for now they'll stick to their 60 bucks game with release day DLCs.

Release day DLCs are the most stupidest shit since the horse armor DLC for oblivion for like what 15 bucks? All it gave you was horse armor. HORSE FUCKING ARMOR. Stop buying low quality bullshit. If you do they'll get off their asses and put some work into them. Maybe then we would get something worth downloading.

CRAB FUCKING ARMOR