Back in the day there were a few games called Duke Nukem. I didn't really play much of it, I played a bit, knew people that played and didn't get too far. From what I remember you pretty much go around spouting one liners and giving money to hookers and shooting chicks. It may be wrong but whatever. Then the game Duke Nukem Forever was announce and everyone shit their pants. Fourteen years later the game came out. Yes fourteen fucking years later. For once I'm not exaggerating. I'm not going to go into this but long story short, it was finished, it was released, and the sound of 20000 Duke fanboys cried out in unison at the same time
The game itself received massive amounts of negative reviews. So bad that I have to try real hard to find a game with a review just as bad.
Ok that was unnecessary torture on your eyes. But at least that game was hilariously bad. Duke Nukem Forever wasn't even hilariously bad, it was horrendously bad. No ones laughing at your jokes. Its not funny so stop it. Its like watching a 40 year old trying to look 19 with a horrible tan, lip gloss and fake breasts. Its not working, you're trying too hard, and you're not fooling anyone but yourself. This is what this game is like. Its nothing but a old aging wrinkly piece of shit that desperately try to look new and fresh with "better" graphics and game play. A lot of people go "The graphics was nice so I don't care if the game sucks." Those are the same type of people the 40 year olds go for. Those are the same type of people that should stop gaming and watch a movie filled with CGI.
This game is filled with terrible one liners and voice actors that sound like they're having a constipation or filled with 2 gallons of helium in their lungs. Theres no emotion in Duke's voice. Some say he doesn't need emotion and he's a tough motherfucker going around blowing up shit. When Duke's two whiny fucking helium filled twin pop-star fuckbuddies called Mary and Kate Holsom gets kidnapped Duke got mad and started yelling angrily in monotone. It was pathetic. No words can describe it. So we're moving on.
The game is filled with stupid boring unavoidable mini games. It also contains the worst fucking controls for driving anything that I have ever played. You have to do stupid shit like piss in a fucking urinal to gain bonus ego. Health in this game is called Ego. Instead of recovering health through health packs, all you have to do is stand behind cover and it recovers like any of the modern FPS. Theres dumb shit like playing pinball and slot machines and other boring stuff. Why is this even in the game? Whats the point? Is it fun? No. If I wanted to play fucking pinball I would. Plus the pinball in this game is stupid. The flippers are unresponsive the balls get stuck and half the time you can't see where the hell it is. You might be going "Yeah you're bitching about the small shit you're forgetting the game play." Then I will respond, "What fucking game play?"
That question is on everyone's mind when they play this game. Where the fuck is the game play? It looks like they spent most of their time on juvenile "humor" and fucking mini games instead of focusing on the game play. You first start the game shooting some giant fucking shit with rocket launchers then you pull out its eye and kick it across the football field that you just happen to be fighting in. Then it turns into a TV screen where you're playing on your Duke Nukem XBox and the Holsom twins comment on how awesome you are in bed and in playing the game. Then Duke makes a stupid joke about how it took 14 fucking years to make and it better be good. Yeah the first scene in the game is foreshadowing how shitty the game is going to be. Then you start walking around the fucking place for 5 minutes. Then you talk and then walk around for another 5 minutes. Then you walk around more and talk some more then the fucker tells you to go back to where you started and you spend another 15 mins backtracking. This whole time with no action. And then finally like 2 hours later you meet your first enemy you walk over punch him in the face get a gun then you walk around through vents for another 20 minutes. WHAT THE FUCK?
Finally like 5 hours into the game you get to some reactor where you have to get power cores. Then you walk around shoot some stuff for like 10 seconds and then wander around for a few minutes until you see a fucking controller for a fucking race car. You then move it around with shit ass controls to push the core out of the bottom of the door and get it and put it into the reactor. Then you go wander around for another 2 hours. Then you are sitting on a turret holding the fire button shooting ships. You blow it up it shoots at you blowing you up and you fall down the shaft while giving it the middle finger. Then you go wander around for another 50 fucking hours and turn tiny and start riding around in the race car for fucking 16 more days. Playing through what is probably the most boring level in a video game you turn big and the two twins start making out and gets kidnapped and then nothing happens for the next 3 months. Then I stopped.
I know what you're saying. I only played the beginning, but do you really want me to torture myself that much? I know I'm a masochist and I like to fucking torture myself with this shit but theres a limit. I like pain but I don't like to eat away 14 years of my life from playing through this game. This game should never have been completed. The only reason people would buy this game is because it has the name Duke Nukem Forever and it was notorious for its vaporware title. Like someone once said, "It doesn't matter how good or how bad the game is. It could just be Duke taking a shit. All you have to do is make a game slap on Duke Nukem Forever and everyone would buy it just to say they finally got Duke Nukem Forever."
Well, you won. You made the worst game in existence and everyone is buying it up like retards. You showed the world that it doesn't have to be a good game as long as it has the franchise name on it. But unlike Final Fantasy and its countless carbon copies of shit, this will be the last Duke Nukem game. Some think thats a shame, I think its for the better. Duke was classic. Every kid growing up back then knew Duke's cheesy one liners. It doesn't work here anymore. This was a insult. Its defamation. And I don't even like Duke. But I feel second hand embarrassment playing this shit. Some things should have remained dead and this was one of them
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