Video game romances

Romances in games nowadays is something we expect, no demand. Look at the recent Bioware games. When Mass Effect first came out there was a character called Tali. Shes this female alien that wears a environmental suit because anything outside of her suit would kill her immediately. People complained that you could only fuck the blue alien and the human chick and wanted to fuck her too. So what did they do next game? In Mass Effect 2 you can fuck her. Yeah it somehow doesn't kill her. Bioware games seem to be really into this whole romance thing. Even during a Bioware interview the writer said something along the lines of, when people think Bioware they think engaging storylines and realistic romances. Realistic? You mean the poorly written few lines dialogue by talking with your companions and then all of a sudden she falls in love with you with terrible terrible terrible lines. Did I mention terrible?

Romance can be done good and it could be done terribly. Its like reading a book. You know which is written well and written bad. A game shouldn't be any different. Lets take some lines from a very terribly written Bioware game, Dragon Age Origins.

"I...have I ever told you I really like the way you wear your hair?" 

In which you must respond with 

"My hair? Thank you." 

If you do not pick it right she will think of you as just friends. Since my Mass Effect character was a male, I decided to try out a female for Dragon Age Origins just to see what its like. Well luckily for you, you can still romance the bisexual red headed French chick as female. She says more creepy things like she likes to watch your eyelashes flutter. You have to keep initiating to a point where she starts falling for you and everything that comes out of her mouth makes you vomit a little in your mouth. Who wrote this shit? Then for some reason this guy Alistar started trying to romance me. I didn't notice at first until I realized how pushy he was being. Like wow keep your dick in your pants asshole. Quit asking about me, I already rejected you so many times you don't have to keep crawling back like a lost puppy. But you know he was actually better written. Unfortunately to pick between a red headed French chick and a virgin man child who won't stop crying about his life and how everything in his life sucks. I would pick the former, but unfortunately the former is this chick who was locked up in a dungeon for weeks getting gang raped with blood shooting out her vagina. I'm serious look it up on youtube. I don't know about you but did this really need to be included in the game? This is what romance means for Bioware.

Is this the path games are going nowadays? Lets look at console games for a second. Japanese console games to be exact. I grew up playing console games and I played through my share of bad console JRPGs. I seen a lot of bad romances. Most console games come with stock cliche characters. The main character is almost always male and come in a few types. The first type is the hot headed guy who thinks with his penis. He would rush into danger going "we have to save her!" when you know its a trap or something and/or hand over the thing that will destroy the world to get the girl back. Unfortunately it never works. The second type is the quiet guy who is in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets dragged along an adventure, usually by your best friend which usually happens to be the main female interest or jealous female interest. The last one is the apathetic guy who gets bullied by everyone including the female interest. Sometimes the types mix together as well making some sort of hybrid but these are the main ones. 

The main female love interest will be known right away at the start of the game. They are also cliche stock characters. The first type is the soft spoken mysterious girl who happens to be from some weird civilization, the last of an ancient race, or something mysterious. She also happens to be chased by things that want her because she holds the key to destroying and/or ruling the world. This may be an object on her. She is usually paired up with the first type of guy the hot headed guy. They will meet suddenly and the guy will want to fuck her and so chases after her and saves her from the "Evil empire" or monsters. He will keep following her until she gets kidnapped and trades the object that will end the world to get her! The second type is the childhood friend or sister or mother figure. Yes sister and mother figure. These are usually the less annoying types as they don't act like a scared pussy where you have to be a big huge retard and chase after her all game long. But unfortunately they're not great either. It is usually painfully obvious the girl has feelings for the guy but the guy never knows and ends up chasing the first type of girl if the guy if the first type. These are usually matched with the second type of guy. The girl will drag the guy around. If its a sister character she'll usually be a younger sister who you must protect and theres a lot of suppressed incest flying around until you two finally realizes each other's feelings. A childhood friend would be really jealous and/or violent. She'd always be extremely pouty until she finally confesses her feelings and becomes all lovey dovey. The last type is the bitchy dominatrix who is usually paired with the third type of guy. She'll be like a rich princess type who wants you to lick her feet and blushes thinking about it and have wild fantasies about torturing you and turning you into some kind of love slave.

Sounds familiar? If you're a JRPG console gamer I assure you that you've seen at least one of each type. Just being cliche doesn't mean that they're bad. Its the combination of bad writing that makes it horrible to sit through. RPGs are the most story driven games. Combat in RPGs are not innovative. Its the same for almost every JRPG. You have fighters and mages and you have fire ice lightning magic with heals and turned based combat. The typical. If its an action game you can have a shitty story but if they combat is engaging and fun its not so bad. Unfortunately for a JRPG, getting the girl is pretty much the whole story. Every story starts with a kid who meets a girl and then the whole game is spent on trying to get the girl. And probably just as important, save the world while getting her. Square games are notorious for doing this. Every single square game has the same stock characters, same exact spells and same exact summons. All that is different is the graphics. Everything is filled with cutscenes and useless chatter among your companions. With the hot headed guy going "WE HAVE TO SAVE HER!" and the soft spoken girl going "I believe in so and so we shouldn't do this! I will walk foolishly into a trap and then wait for you guys to come save me!" Worst part is they try to innovate the combat but not the story itself. Isn't an RPG's most important part the storyline? However the opposite is true. Like Xenosaga if a game is just all story and 90% cutscenes, then you would fail hopelessly too. A game should be a game it shouldn't be a fucking movie.

The one with the second type of guy, the wrong place at the wrong time guy usually has a more save the world oriented story as the girl is with you all along. You'll go on a errand for your mom or something with your best friend the main female love interest going "hey lets do so and so!" Then something mysterious happens and all of a sudden you're on a quest to save the world! Now the final one is rarer. Usually JRPGs are the first or second or a mixture. The last one is still popular but not as much as the others. You're a pathetic guy with girls walking over you. One big example for it is Okage. I don't think I can find a better example. Its more of a fairytale type game. You're a guy with a bratty sister. No she's not the love interest. At the start of the game your sister falls under a curse and to save her you give up your shadow for the evil shadow king. After getting the shadow king your "girlfriend" breaks up with you because to quote "I don't like what you have become. Going around showing off. I want a guy who would eat whatever I make without question and stand around holding my bags while I go shopping." The whole game you can drag your feet around. You're the slave of the shadow king and then you meet the runaway princess who you accidentally crashed into and she gets pissed off and turns you into her slave. 70% of you belong to her and 30% belong to the shadow king. Anyways as the game goes on you get abused more and more. The game itself isn't so bad, the combat sucks but the story is entertaining. 

What if the main character is female!? Yeah those are rare but its generally either reversed or no romance at all. Lets face it most guys don't want to go around hitting on guys as a girl. Lets look at Valkyrie Profile Silmeria. Its another square game. The main female is a 12 year old girl. You're this soft spoken pussy princess with a bitching dominating spirit of a valkyrie inside of you. The main love interest is some like 30 year old looking guy. He's the wrong place at the wrong time guy and gets dragged along by you. Then shit hits the fan and somehow you have to like save each other. I don't know the game is pretty much a final fantasy clone and its fucked up and I don't want to go into detail. Pretty much its the same story but told in the point of view as the female. You're getting chased by shit and the guy is protecting you the whole time. Then theres games like Rhapsody: A musical adventure. You're a little girl who has the ability to talk to dolls and your dream is to marry a prince and one day you meet a prince who saves you from a dragon. Then the queen holds a contest for all the prettiest girls to compete for a chance to marry the prince. Blah blah then the witch kidnaps the prince and its your job to save him! Its a complete role reversal. The characters aren't stock because well. Its pretty hard to make a stock character from something so weird. Its funny, its cute, its very...ahem...girly?

Western games and Japanese games have very different views on romancing. JRPGs usually focus the entire story on getting the girl while westerns usually have a story with shitty romance tacked onto it. Which would you prefer? Which do people like? Looking at Japan's dying game industry, I'm thinking people are starting to get sick of these. But they really can't be compared as JRPGs are targeted towards the 12-18 age range. You can tell by the age of the characters really, most of them are 12-16 with some stretching as far as 18. Western RPGs are usually targeted towards the 17-20+ range. So I want to ask. Do people relate to the main characters? Do people like the female love interests? Back in high school there was a group of us that liked to play console JRPGs. I don't think any of the guys liked the main character. Everyone thought he was a dumbass. But some thought that the female love interest is good. Why? "Because they look hot." Guys don't care about the character as long as they look hot. Like one guy liked Tifa because she had huge breasts. Another liked Rikku because he's a fucking pedophile. But for the girls they don't like the guy characters or the females in the game. They're like "the guy is a moron he just rushes in and acts like a stupid kid all the time. The girls are pathetic." I remember asking someone what kind of guy she wanted for a main character and she responded with something like "a strong guy, someone the opposite of you." I remember responding to something along the lines of "it'll be hard to find someone stronger than you" and I got smacked on the arm. Ouch tomboys. Stop giving us stock characters.

The question is. Is romance really that important in games? JRPGs focuses the entire game on romance, Western games focuses on a specific task and you as the player can choose to romance the person. The romance here is usually different. I know there are some better romances out there but I'm not here to tell you the good stuff, I'm here to share the terrible. For JRPGs we don't need to be told who loves who so painfully obvious. We shouldn't be able to expect what happens. Good romances you don't need someone holding your hand telling you so and so. You just know. The chemistry would fly. Western RPGs compress everything and you are the one who is out searching for whoever you like. Bad romances would be awkward, be out of place, and completely irrelevant to the story that you can take it out without any consequences. Its a kind of bonus for the gamers. Perhaps I watched too many romance dramas. My expectation for romances are too high? Maybe they should make characters we care about? 

How about something fucked up like this? I never played that game but if thats the romance dialogue then what the fuck? I'm pretty sure that was made purposely because nothing can be that funny and stupid by accident.

I went and looked up on top video game romances on google and all I find are like Mario and Zelda and other stupid shit. What the fuck? Thats good romance? I don't know anymore. Maybe I should stop gaming.