Sakura Wars - Hit on the underaged girl!

What kind of shit name is Sakura Wars? What does it even mean? Whatever it means, it still sounds horrible. This is the newest game for the PS2, and it had pretty good reviews. Like if it scores higher than Okami then it must be very good right? Well, Persona 3 was the "best game of PS2." So why do I trust those reviewers again? Its the fifth of the series so it can't be that bad right? Well back in high school I had a friend tell me that she really likes to watch Sakura Wars anime. I was going what the hell is that shit. Now I know. And now I know how terrible it must have been.

Lets get this out. This game is for Japanese anime-loving boys who have a fetish for American chicks. Can you blame them? Yes. And we can also judge them too. Lets start off by what this game is. Well its not anything you know, and I would call it a girl molesting simulator. You must be thinking what the fuck right? Well, yeah that's what came out of my mouth every other line in this game. This game you're some military guy from Japan who got transferred to New York's division. You ride giant robots to fight each other. Its a game for anime-loving Japanese boys so go figure it has giant robots with chicks piloting them. There you meet a bunch of chicks and you have to go around spending time and molesting them. Here's a list of the main characters.

Shinjiro Taiga aka Lt. Taiga, Shin, Shiny, Child Molester, Pedophile, Rapist. This is you. You're this pussy guy who goes around being all mopey because your uncle sent you over to New York and they were all expecting him to come and not his stupid pussy nephew. You think of yourself as a Samurai and you must "show your samurai spirit" to all the Americans. You use the excuse of not knowing how to act in America to molest girls.

Gemini Sunrise. This is some red haired farm chick from Texas. She has a Japanese fetish so lucky for you! She loves anything Japanese and wishes to be a samurai so she rides a horse across town and attacks bank robbers with samurai swords. Yeah... She also happens to be in the same "Star Division" as you.

Mr Sunnyside. He's the Commander of the Star division. He likes to speak in poor English (playing the version with Japanese voices.) He also has a Japanese fetish.

Ratchet Altair. She's the Captain of the Star division. She's a blond haired chick where you start stroking her hair and staring at her breasts for no reason. She also sucks horribly and gets her face punched in and you save her and become the vice captain. Go you I guess.

Subaru. "She's" the hermaphrodite of the group. "She" talks in third person all the time and is the only other Japanese. Lucky for you "she" doesn't give a crap about you. You're always wondering if "she" is a guy or not. I haven't gotten to molesting "her" yet so I don't know how "she" will react. Luckily, I won't be getting that far.

Sagiitta Weinberg. Shes the black chick from harlem. She's a super bitch and does nothing but bitch at your face. And after the show you walk in on her changing and she goes into ultra bitch mode. Like twice the bitchiness. When you go to harlem to find her you get your ass chased out by punks. Great going Vice Captain!

Rikariitta Aries. Whats with all the double I's and double T's. Anyways she's 11 years old and you go around hitting on her. She gets major pissed off at you and other shit. She's a "bounty hunter from mexico." Yeah she runs around with two pistols shooting shit. I don't know I haven't gotten that far yet but I sure hope to god you don't see her naked or start molesting her. But then again, this is Japan (uhh Japanized New York) so you'll probably have to at some point.

Diana Caprice. I don't know I found this online apparently shes the last chick you get. She's a "a local birdwatcher and nurse who had given up all hope to live." Well fuck. Leave the worst for last.

5 year old bunny girl. She's the main bad guy. She's a girl that has bunny ears on her head who holds a scythe and can fly and walk through walls. She sends giant robots that try to destroy the statue of liberty and other shit.

So how do you play this game? You're a rapist walking around talking to people and occasionally you get an option to do stuff. Like for example you arrived at New York, walked into the Office of the Star Division (not very cleverly disguised as a theater. Like seriously the whole thing lifts up and giant robots come flying out of it at night. I'm pretty sure people have already noticed what the fuck is happening there but no apparently not. Its just an excuse for you to watch girls dress up in costumes and perform and walk in on them changing.) Anyways as I was saying, you walked into the office and you meet Ratchet and three options appear you can either say for example. 1. Lt. Taiga reporting for duty 2. uh... hello? 3. I didn't expect someone so beautiful. What would you choose. Obviously not 2. And obviously not 1 because you need to hit on chicks for them to like you and when they do you apparently get super powers to do combination moves. Seems like every game is doing this nowadays. Sakura Wars, Persona.... Well just these two I guess.

When these options appear you have about 5-20 seconds depending to pick something. Sometimes you need to save someone and you get 5 seconds to push them aside or longer if you have to hit on them. Your face changes and different people like how you act differently. Sometimes its just one option and you can move the bar up or down to speak louder. For example your in the library and you see the 11 year old for shits and giggles I pulled the bar to the top and yelled on top of my lungs at the chick and she ran off embarrassed and majorly pissed off. If you don't hit anything within the time frame you automatically forfeit a chance to talk and you piss people off. Then you get to parts where you can take pictures of chicks and areas by hitting the triangle button. And occasionally (I don't know how often) you get parts where its just a chick and you have a magnifying glass that you can move around the screen. You can move to any part of their body and hit the X button and you think something or do something. For example you see Ratchet and you move your magnifying glass across their eyes and hit x he comments on her eyes and so on. I have no idea how to cancel this stupid shit or do anything so I move across her hair and he comments on her blond hair and how awesome it is and then strokes it and she got pissed off. "People in America don't like people stroking their hair? Everyone likes it when I do it in Japan." Wow fuck off you molester.

The game just keeps going on and on and you can barely save because the dude is too busy running around being a pussy or molesting chicks. Until finally you get to the giant robot battles. But no, you have to sit through like 20 minutes of gearing up and the chicks showing off their robots with moves and shit. They have the dumbest weapons and say the dumbest shit. Like Subaru uses fans for her robot and you use samurai swords. Sagiitta uses whips and since she is a lawyer she keeps going "you are guilty!" LIKE SHUT UP AND STOP POSING AROUND I WANNA BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEIR ROBOTS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. Then giant robots come from the sky and you must "transform into airplanes" to shoot them down. Great, transforming robots. Anyways you turn into planes and shoot missles and they explode and yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay chapter over. Then you turn off the PS2, take out the disc and then snap it in half and toss it out the window.

This is the most terrible shit I ever played. My stomache haven't hurt so much from puking at every other sentence because all the shit they say are retarded. "Oh in America we do so and so." "I swear on my Samurai Spirit I will beat the enemy." "Your hair is so silky." "I would like to stick my penis into your vagina." "Can I touch your breasts?" Yeah I made up most of these but I wouldn't be surprised if they do appear in the game.